When your spouse says something meant to trigger you, pause before responding. Notice the emotional reaction, step back, and focus on your long-term goals. Calm responses help you protect your interests and avoid making the process harder than it needs to be.
Why Provocation Feels So Intense During Divorce
During divorce, emotions often sit close to the surface. You may feel on edge, tired, or frustrated, which makes it easier for a single comment to spark anger. When this happens, your body reacts before your thinking catches up. Stress hormones take over, which can limit your ability to think through a response before reacting.
That is why losing your temper can lead to messages or comments you later regret. These reactions can slow progress, increase conflict, and move you further away from what you actually want from the process.
Pause Before You Respond
One of the most effective tools you have is time. When something triggers you, you do not have to respond right away. You can say that you need time to think or that you will get back to the conversation later.
This pause gives your emotions a chance to settle so you can respond instead of reacting. It also helps you avoid statements made in anger that may create additional issues or misunderstandings.
Keep Your Goals Front and Center
Before replying, remind yourself why you are going through this process. Your goals might include reaching a fair agreement, co-parenting peacefully, or keeping the process from dragging on longer than necessary.
When you keep those goals in mind, it becomes easier to choose a response that supports them. Even small, day-to-day communications should line up with where you want to end up after the divorce is finalized.
Use the BIFF Approach for Communication
A helpful reminder comes from the BIFF method created by Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute. BIFF stands for brief, informative, friendly, and firm.
When emotions are high, keep your messages short and focused on facts. Avoid sarcasm or blame. This approach can reduce escalation and help keep conversations productive, even when communication feels tense.
Practice Staying Calm Ahead of Time
Staying calm takes practice. Try imagining situations that usually trigger you and picture yourself responding calmly. Rehearsing this mentally can help build new habits so it feels more natural in real moments.
You may also find it helpful to refer to Staying Calm When You Feel Provoked, a practical communication guide for separation or divorce. It offers simple reminders to help you slow down and respond with intention when emotions run high.
Contact McNeill Family Law
At McNeill Family Law, we understand how emotionally charged divorce can be. We help our clients stay focused on their goals and approach difficult conversations with care and respect. If you need guidance on managing communication during your separation of divorce, call 587-956-9300 or contact us online to schedule a consultation.
McNeill Family Law is located at #200, 638 11 Ave S.W., Calgary, Alberta T2R 0E2.
FAQs
Is it normal to feel angry during divorce
Yes. Strong emotions are common during divorce. The key is recognizing those feelings and choosing how you respond.
Do I have to reply right away to messages from my spouse
No. Taking time to think before responding is often helpful and can prevent unnecessary conflict.
What if my spouse keeps trying to provoke me
Consistently using calm, brief responses can help reduce escalation over time.
Can practicing responses really help
Yes. Practicing calm responses can help build habits that make difficult situations easier to manage.
Beryl McNeill is a Calgary divorce lawyer who strongly believes mutual respect and understanding go a long way toward resolving family law matters. As a Registered Collaborative Law practitioner in Calgary, she has dedicated her firm to amicable, cooperative negotiation as a means for settling divorces. Furthermore, throughout her law career, Beryl has seen the costs of adversarial negotiations, both financial and emotional. In emphasizing the collaborative approach, Beryl offers her clients a more efficient model that preserves personal and monetary assets alike.
More and more individuals are attracted to resolving their family law matters in a civil, respectful way. Therefore, they come to Beryl from many walks of life—as professionals in the oil and gas industry and their spouses, business owners, and working spouses with children. Clients say that even after a single consultation with Beryl they feel less stressed and more clear about the way forward.
Beryl understands the often fearful, emotional early stages of divorce. Incorporating skills developed from her training as a life coach, Beryl helps clients move beyond their stress response to more logical, creative thinking. Once there, she works with clients to discover what’s truly important to them in attaining divorce. Furthermore, she encourages clients to picture what a successful settlement would look like a year or more down the road as a means of focusing on their goals. By educating and empowering clients, Beryl seeks to transform the way they resolve family disputes—in a more constructive, intelligent and amicable way than would be possible otherwise.
Finally, Beryl is very active with the Family Bar and the Collaborative Law Community. Her involvement provides her clients with the assurance that she has her finger on the pulse of Family Law in Alberta, offering them a distinct advantage in their quest for equity and civility.